Happy Birthday to Me

Happy birthday to me.

It was my birthday yesterday, Mommy. It was exactly a month since you went to heaven.

I will never forget my birthday last year. It was the best. You made it the best. I still remember how you scolded me that day for tying Koko's bootie too tight. I recall how you said, "Tingnan mo, nag-marka!" Koko still has that mark. I think that will forever remind me of the motherhood things you taught me when you were still here. All the more, it will remind me of how you were the best mommy ever.

I miss you sooooo much. I was crying yesterday because I thought, had I realized that it was my last year to spend my birthday with you, I could have made my way out to do all the things you wanted me to do even when I was still in pain from my C-section. You asked me if I could go back home and I said yes, but I didn't do so. I made an excuse that my stitches were hurting, although it wasn't that much.

I wished to have pancit Cabagan, Yellow Cab pizza, and ice cream yesterday, just like what you brought me last year and the year before that. But even without those, Mommy, my birthday would still be the best had you been there.

Someday, we'll be together. Someday, I will spend all the holidays with you again. For now, I will try to be contented seeing you through Koko's eyes. I know he can see you, because he reaches out and smiles at open spaces. He says "amsie" every once in a while, and when he walks, he stretches his arms up as if someone is holding them. I know you're there.

I still miss you, Mommy. I love you. Say hi to Lucy and Baby and Porky for me.